[ Jayce looks like he's had an epiphany, but Viktor can't follow his logic. He'd seen what happened to Jayce in that strange world, the future that might have been, that felt so eternal and yet also existed as a liminal maybe for them. Viktor hadn't pushed Jayce down that ravine, but a version of him had corralled him towards it, left him to rot as the arcane ate away at his body and soul. ]
I— He— You ended up in that world because of me, and you suffered there because of him. Even after you got yourself out, he tasked you with something so... painful.
[ His mind is racing trying to follow Jayce's logic, and then it all screeches to a halt with a few simple words. There's no me without you. Does he know how that sounds? How it makes hope flutter in Viktor's chest? How unfair it is to dangle something so sweet in front of a man starved of affection from the only person who's ever made him hungry for it? He needs to reinterpret the idea before it takes root in him and festers into a wicked selfishness, twisting Jayce's naive olive branch into gnarled roots of covetous lust within Viktor.
They're partners. Viktor had saved Jayce's life as much as the roles had reversed later. Hextech would not have existed without Viktor's willingness to risk everything for the passionate fire in Jayce's eyes. He's no stranger to it, yet it takes him by surprise every time. ]
And there's no me without you, Jayce. [ It's difficult to be reminded how inextricably they're linked when Viktor has told himself time and time again to keep enough distance to not ruin it all. He sighs again, worn out, and leans close to press their foreheads together. His hands sag into Jayce's, heavy with the hexclaw and a burden he needs to learn to share. ]
[ Just hearing the words back was— enough. Jayce holds a breath before sighing, then leaning into the weight put before him. He shakes his head too, but just enough to reinforce what he felt about that without jostling their heads around: no. No, no and no. No, he murmurs back, not tdying invalidate anything, just— he doesn't believe it.
He's here with him, now. He's not going anywhere. And, perhaps, as Jayce realizes after wetting his lips— Viktor need to get a better taste on him. One that's 100% like home. His throat scrapes sound when he attempts to speak, the crack in it either from underuse or an earlier escape of emotion. ]
. . I'm sorry I snapped. [ The brunt of said snapping is starting to weigh heavy, now; he feels like he's been hit by a truck, flatbed, twelve wheels. He wants Viktor close, to be sure he wouldn't go far enough that Jayce could even fret. Encircled by his tail in a sneaky spiral around him, Jayce wants nothing more than to burrow into his own coils, larger than this current body could provide, on a bed of gemstones and with Viktor, right in the middle of it all— claws embracing his frame and snout to his belly and tongue to metal like the most precious gem of them all. Maybe that was wrong, but it's become stronger than Jayce's common sense. Much stronger. Because of this waking imagination, Jayce stumbles on his own words, awkward, silent stutters filling the void of his silence. At least the color is seeping back to his cheeks, rosey magentas and sapphire blues. ] I was— Worried. It, um— escalated. Fast.
[ Not an excuse, just an explanation. It does not banish his own upset yet, either— it is still there, like a wound needing to be licked. A gift for a time when they were at favorable synchrony. This, this now only feels like fatigue, disappointment, yearning, and defeat. ]
Everytime you disappear, it . . . Feels like I'll lose you again.
[ Like this empty, yawning crater inside him, begging to be filled, expands so horridly it could pull anything into its core and dismantle it. Like a black hole. ]
[ There's so much being left unsaid on both sides, but the important part is that they work through the here and now before worrying about anything else. Viktor has nothing but time to think through his feelings and how they often lead him to overcorrecting, protecting himself from harm at the risk of putting Jayce in front of him like an unwitting shield. If this is going to work, if they're going to survive without tearing themselves apart, then Viktor needs to learn how to be in love with Jayce while still being his closest companion and partner. ]
You had every right. I shouldn't have kept this from you. [ Even if part of the reason for secrecy had been an attempt to mitigate pain, and the remaining factors had to do with hoping to surprise Jayce with a gift, he sees now that it was too big of a secret to keep. ] I still think it's important we can be independent, though. Privacy and the chance to surprise each other, in small ways.
[ No excuses, just vague boundaries they can solidify later. Viktor doesn't think he really needs them as much as Jayce does, catch that he is—if he has a dream paramour as Viktor suspects, he needs the freedom to stay far away from that mine field.
That sinking feeling in his stomach and clenching at his chest. Guilt chokes him again because he knows has disappeared before in order to take care of his own needs. Indignation follows, however, at Jayce leaving him alone at times, a feeling quickly squashed because they can't be focused on holding grudges from the past. This is a fresh start, in many ways, and it means rebuilding trust with whatever they can find. ]
I told you, I'm not going anywhere. You have to meet me halfway with the trusting, Jayce.
[ Jayce goes through gentle motions of agreement; wordless nods, murmured yeahs that are whispered more than they invite further discussion. He knows that's all correct. He knows his trust must be a stronghold, too. He thought it had been, up until the point where he smelled secrecy. But he too, knows, now that he's calmed, that feeding into the hungry possession in him scares his still human half. ]
I don't . . . Want you to feel like you can't— Like we can't. Just— [ They could. They totally could. The easiest way to avoid a nerve flare up? The tip of his furred tail flips, flops back and forth. ] Let me know that you're alright. Let me in, if you're hurting.
[ Then, perhaps, they could do what they did best. Solve things, which, outside the lab and into a relationship, it felt like a completely different beast they've failed at. ]
Give me the chance to prove I'm not the man I used to be.
[ On one hand, he feels too broken for that. On the other— he's never felt so sure, or even better, that the mantal doesn't fit him anymore, even if he tried to throw it on. Even if Jayce was the kind of man to be good at nearly anything given to him if he had reason to give it his all— it was not part of his roots. It was not part of his character at all. It pushed him even farther away from who he was.
For better or for worse, he catches himself thinking, intrusive and unwanting. Was that part of the reason, for his doubts? ]
[ The more that Jayce's tail wraps around them, flicking at the tip and waving the beautifully colored fur around, the more Viktor wants to calm it with a hand. He wouldn't pull away from Jayce's embrace to do it, though, wouldn't risk jostling the layers of hexclaw and hands and tether that's strengthening with each word. ]
I'm alright. [ Shaking his head a little, the movement resulting in him nuzzling their foreheads together, Viktor lets out a sigh of exhaust. ] But I'm quite used to suffering in silence. It may take practice to break the habit.
[ After all, it had taken a public collapse and waking up to Jayce as his bedside for him to finally admit how far his disease had progressed. For so long, Viktor had been alone in his struggles and his ambitions, and so reminding himself that there was one person in the universe who cared about him as more than just a resource or a tool was... new.
It hurts to hear Jayce say he's not the same man he had been before. Viktor had fallen for that optimistic, naive, passionate younger version of Jayce who spoke of harnessing magic with a spark in his eye. He's been handsome because of his physical flaws rather than in spite of them, as clean cut as his ideals, the perfect poster boy for progress. Now, he was just as beautiful, rugged in a way that Viktor could have never imagined him, but... broken. Broken because of Viktor. There are beauty in imperfections, but that doesn't give him the right to admire the ones he caused. ]
There was nothing wrong with the man you were, Jayce. [ Pulling his hands away, leaving the hexclaw resting in Jayce's palms, he moves instead to gently grasp both of his shoulders. ] We should finish this talk inside, I won't have you getting cold and stiff because I was a fool.
[ Jayce's brows rise and fall as he keeps his head tucked low, whether he'd been pressing in further with his forehead or simply hanging after the fact. His mistakes are what had haunted him the most, plenty of times they still visit him in the pits of his nightmares. His flaws felt the worst now that he looks back at them, it's difficult to imagine there was nothing wrong with the man of progress when, simply, there was— part of him misses the whimsy that came with those times. He hardly has the same amount cooked into him, only reserved for the calmest of moments between them.
Still. Did that mean Viktor missed the way he used to be? Oh, how tired he was to keep thinking things that exhaust him— quietly, his raises his shoulders, thick with furs. ]
I've got some layers on me, [ He'd be a liar though, if he completely disregarded the invitation. If he's not going to sleep, or look at the sky, maybe they could check on his minerals. ] but I won't say no to a roof over our heads.
[ After all, Jayce would always prefer indoor weather rather than outdoor, especially during winter weather. Once he's gotten through a thoughtful pause, Jayce begins his journey from sitting to standing: a slow process, likely needing aid, but once he's up straight on his own feet and crutch, after a moment of gathering his weight, Jayce moves, waiting for Viktor to accompany him closely. ]
[ How badly Viktor wishes he could lean in and kiss the crown of Jayce's lolling head, but it's neither possible nor his place. Having been the one to cause this hurt, it would be nothing but selfish desire to attempt to sooth it away with such efforts, all born of his own desire rather than knowledge that Jayce would take comfort in them. No, it's for the best that Viktor's body is inhuman, alien, because that makes it all the less likely that he'll cave to his impulses and ruin the fragile thing between them. They've fought so hard to get to this point only for Viktor to once again fracture the trust and all because he hadn't have enough faith in Jayce. It's going to take a while yet to figure out the balance between too much and not enough, how he can include Jayce without smothering him and trust him without burdening him.
Humming softly at the mention of layers, he nevertheless encouraged Jayce onto his feet while giving him the support he might need not to topple over. He has his crutch yes, but if he's willing to lean on Viktor than all the better for it. Once they're both standing, he offers an elbow to Jayce to hold on their way inside and extends a hand to carry the hexclaw, should Jayce prefer not to wobble under its weight. ]
Jayce. [ There's a chiding tone, and yet not one that completely shuts down the offer of returning to the forge together. It's late, but there is also so little holding them accountable to a specific schedule that working side-by-side before going to sleep wouldn't be the worst use of time. ] If you are up for it, then so am I.
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no subject
I— He— You ended up in that world because of me, and you suffered there because of him. Even after you got yourself out, he tasked you with something so... painful.
[ His mind is racing trying to follow Jayce's logic, and then it all screeches to a halt with a few simple words. There's no me without you. Does he know how that sounds? How it makes hope flutter in Viktor's chest? How unfair it is to dangle something so sweet in front of a man starved of affection from the only person who's ever made him hungry for it? He needs to reinterpret the idea before it takes root in him and festers into a wicked selfishness, twisting Jayce's naive olive branch into gnarled roots of covetous lust within Viktor.
They're partners. Viktor had saved Jayce's life as much as the roles had reversed later. Hextech would not have existed without Viktor's willingness to risk everything for the passionate fire in Jayce's eyes. He's no stranger to it, yet it takes him by surprise every time. ]
And there's no me without you, Jayce. [ It's difficult to be reminded how inextricably they're linked when Viktor has told himself time and time again to keep enough distance to not ruin it all. He sighs again, worn out, and leans close to press their foreheads together. His hands sag into Jayce's, heavy with the hexclaw and a burden he needs to learn to share. ]
no subject
He's here with him, now. He's not going anywhere. And, perhaps, as Jayce realizes after wetting his lips— Viktor need to get a better taste on him. One that's 100% like home. His throat scrapes sound when he attempts to speak, the crack in it either from underuse or an earlier escape of emotion. ]
. . I'm sorry I snapped. [ The brunt of said snapping is starting to weigh heavy, now; he feels like he's been hit by a truck, flatbed, twelve wheels. He wants Viktor close, to be sure he wouldn't go far enough that Jayce could even fret. Encircled by his tail in a sneaky spiral around him, Jayce wants nothing more than to burrow into his own coils, larger than this current body could provide, on a bed of gemstones and with Viktor, right in the middle of it all— claws embracing his frame and snout to his belly and tongue to metal like the most precious gem of them all. Maybe that was wrong, but it's become stronger than Jayce's common sense. Much stronger. Because of this waking imagination, Jayce stumbles on his own words, awkward, silent stutters filling the void of his silence. At least the color is seeping back to his cheeks, rosey magentas and sapphire blues. ] I was— Worried. It, um— escalated. Fast.
[ Not an excuse, just an explanation. It does not banish his own upset yet, either— it is still there, like a wound needing to be licked. A gift for a time when they were at favorable synchrony. This, this now only feels like fatigue, disappointment, yearning, and defeat. ]
Everytime you disappear, it . . . Feels like I'll lose you again.
[ Like this empty, yawning crater inside him, begging to be filled, expands so horridly it could pull anything into its core and dismantle it. Like a black hole. ]
And I'll lose my mind in the process.
no subject
You had every right. I shouldn't have kept this from you. [ Even if part of the reason for secrecy had been an attempt to mitigate pain, and the remaining factors had to do with hoping to surprise Jayce with a gift, he sees now that it was too big of a secret to keep. ] I still think it's important we can be independent, though. Privacy and the chance to surprise each other, in small ways.
[ No excuses, just vague boundaries they can solidify later. Viktor doesn't think he really needs them as much as Jayce does, catch that he is—if he has a dream paramour as Viktor suspects, he needs the freedom to stay far away from that mine field.
That sinking feeling in his stomach and clenching at his chest. Guilt chokes him again because he knows has disappeared before in order to take care of his own needs. Indignation follows, however, at Jayce leaving him alone at times, a feeling quickly squashed because they can't be focused on holding grudges from the past. This is a fresh start, in many ways, and it means rebuilding trust with whatever they can find. ]
I told you, I'm not going anywhere. You have to meet me halfway with the trusting, Jayce.
no subject
I don't . . . Want you to feel like you can't— Like we can't. Just— [ They could. They totally could. The easiest way to avoid a nerve flare up? The tip of his furred tail flips, flops back and forth. ] Let me know that you're alright. Let me in, if you're hurting.
[ Then, perhaps, they could do what they did best. Solve things, which, outside the lab and into a relationship, it felt like a completely different beast they've failed at. ]
Give me the chance to prove I'm not the man I used to be.
[ On one hand, he feels too broken for that. On the other— he's never felt so sure, or even better, that the mantal doesn't fit him anymore, even if he tried to throw it on. Even if Jayce was the kind of man to be good at nearly anything given to him if he had reason to give it his all— it was not part of his roots. It was not part of his character at all. It pushed him even farther away from who he was.
For better or for worse, he catches himself thinking, intrusive and unwanting. Was that part of the reason, for his doubts? ]
no subject
I'm alright. [ Shaking his head a little, the movement resulting in him nuzzling their foreheads together, Viktor lets out a sigh of exhaust. ] But I'm quite used to suffering in silence. It may take practice to break the habit.
[ After all, it had taken a public collapse and waking up to Jayce as his bedside for him to finally admit how far his disease had progressed. For so long, Viktor had been alone in his struggles and his ambitions, and so reminding himself that there was one person in the universe who cared about him as more than just a resource or a tool was... new.
It hurts to hear Jayce say he's not the same man he had been before. Viktor had fallen for that optimistic, naive, passionate younger version of Jayce who spoke of harnessing magic with a spark in his eye. He's been handsome because of his physical flaws rather than in spite of them, as clean cut as his ideals, the perfect poster boy for progress. Now, he was just as beautiful, rugged in a way that Viktor could have never imagined him, but... broken. Broken because of Viktor. There are beauty in imperfections, but that doesn't give him the right to admire the ones he caused. ]
There was nothing wrong with the man you were, Jayce. [ Pulling his hands away, leaving the hexclaw resting in Jayce's palms, he moves instead to gently grasp both of his shoulders. ] We should finish this talk inside, I won't have you getting cold and stiff because I was a fool.
no subject
Still. Did that mean Viktor missed the way he used to be? Oh, how tired he was to keep thinking things that exhaust him— quietly, his raises his shoulders, thick with furs. ]
I've got some layers on me, [ He'd be a liar though, if he completely disregarded the invitation. If he's not going to sleep, or look at the sky, maybe they could check on his minerals. ] but I won't say no to a roof over our heads.
[ After all, Jayce would always prefer indoor weather rather than outdoor, especially during winter weather. Once he's gotten through a thoughtful pause, Jayce begins his journey from sitting to standing: a slow process, likely needing aid, but once he's up straight on his own feet and crutch, after a moment of gathering his weight, Jayce moves, waiting for Viktor to accompany him closely. ]
The forge might still be warm.
no subject
Humming softly at the mention of layers, he nevertheless encouraged Jayce onto his feet while giving him the support he might need not to topple over. He has his crutch yes, but if he's willing to lean on Viktor than all the better for it. Once they're both standing, he offers an elbow to Jayce to hold on their way inside and extends a hand to carry the hexclaw, should Jayce prefer not to wobble under its weight. ]
Jayce. [ There's a chiding tone, and yet not one that completely shuts down the offer of returning to the forge together. It's late, but there is also so little holding them accountable to a specific schedule that working side-by-side before going to sleep wouldn't be the worst use of time. ] If you are up for it, then so am I.